I share a lot of my journey. I find it healing and I feel that it helps others not feel so alone. Just something I do.
However, one thing I have not shared in awhile is the not so great things I deal with on a regular basis.
Most recently, my short term memory.
I am not talking putting my keys down and forgetting where I put them (although this is a regular occurrence) I am talking complete NO RECALL of short term events, conversations, anything really within the last 24 hours.
With being a student in school in which I am paying a ton of money to be there, this is really annoying. Not to mention, my children, husband and close friends are probably (and justified) losing their minds when dealing with me.
I CAN NOT remember the past 24 hours at times. Conversations had, what I have or have not done, lectures I have learned, NOTHING. Sometimes if someone says something that triggers a thought in my head, I can recall what was said or done, but majority of the time I legit got nothing. Until the next day, and even that is sketchy at times.
Now the question remains. Is this a side effect of the medications I am currently on? Is it a “symptom” of BPD disorder? Anxiety disorder? or any of the other disorders I have been blessed to be diagnosed with? Is it that I have way to much going on in my life, and I do not cope with stress well so I am suppressing? Has my mind finally hit the point where it has decided enough is enough? Is it early onset of Alzheimers as that runs rampant in my family.
I DO NOT HAVE A FREAKING CLUE.
All I do know is this has been over a month of this and I have gotten to the point where it is severely pissing me off for lack of better terms.
I just want to be “normal”. I just want the never ending “surprises” of my mental health to STOP. I just want to remember what I have been doing at the time someone asks. I want the looks of “Holy crap I JUST TOLD you” to STOP.
I just want to love my life, enjoy my life (I am I just don’t remember lol) and feel like I am not a complete space cadet when it comes to the everyday aspects of my life.
***Sigh**** One day. One Day.